Strong, independent woman!?

What does it really mean to be a strong independent woman? I always believed that to achieve this status I needed to be tougher, enjoy being on my own, not be afraid to tell people what I think and have a thicker skin. As someone who is naturally quite easygoing and in touch with my emotions I have spent years believing I was failing at living up to this idea. Until this year I had never thought to question why I wanted to be strong and independent, but after some much needed self-reflection I realised it was to hide my true self and avoid facing my fears. This was the very opposite of strong and independent.

My recent experience of online dating has taught me a lot about myself and I have been lucky to cross paths with some great people. Some dates there was no connection, others didn’t really seem to be going anywhere, some were over keen and others weren’t keen enough... the usual. However, there were some dates that went really well, where I felt a connection but quickly put an end to after several weeks. So, I decided to take time out to self-reflect. I realised the problem was me. The problem was the vision I had of myself as a “strong independent woman”. Without realising I was seeing these dates as a threat to my independence and, at times, tried to assert myself to prove that I was strong on my own and keep people out. The result was that I would come up with a reason to run away before I lost my independence and control of my own life.

A colleague of mine recently gave me a book called The Universe Has Your Back by Gabrielle Bernstein and as I began to read and take up meditation it became clear that I had been using “strong, independent” Michaela to mask my fears of getting hurt. I would always convince myself that these dates were a threat and so I would either make a stubborn stand to prove I was strong or end things to prove my independence. Over the past month I have taken myself away from dating as I want to be able to approach it with optimism and feel happy enough to develop connections rather than destruct them. 

I now see that true strength is found in self-happiness, always being kind and forgiving to yourself and others and aiming to be a light to those around you. There is strength in facing fears rather than putting up walls, being open to deeper connections and taking the risk of getting hurt, and even being willing to give some independence to others.

Thanks for reading,

Michaela

♪ - Tom Grennan - ‘I Might’